Monday, November 19, 2012

Faust (1926) Review

Director: F.W. Murnau
Stars: Gosta Ekman, Emil Jannings, William Dieterle
Genre: German Expressionism, Fantasy

Massive, and wholly accurate, spoilers to follow

One day an angel was really bored so he decided to make a bet with Satan (angels have a bit of a gambling problem). The bet has something to do with something doesn't matter. 

So there's this plague or something and this old guy Faust really wants to save everyone but he can't. So what does he do? Summon the dark lord Mephisto of course. Mephisto tries to get him to sell his soul for some awesome wizard powers and stuff but Faust refuses. But, Mephisto tricks him by saying that he could have a one day free trial of the powers, no strings attached. (It's kind of like how magazines or Netflix trick you with the one month free trial but then make it really hard for you to cancel the subscription without ending up having to pay). 

So Faust accepts the one day deal. The first thing Faust does is become a young man, because all he really wanted to do was get laid. So, young Faust goes out to find some hoes. He finds one and brings her back to his place. But, just as he's about to hit that Mephisto tells him that one day is almost over! Bummer. But Faust is like "Yo, fuck it, whatever. You can have my soul, just let me hit this right quick." Thus selling his soul to the devil. Faust was obviously thinking with his penis. 

Faust taps that ass and then after his dick softens up he realizes that that pussy probably wasn't worth the eternal damnation of his soul. But, Faust is the type of guy who makes the best of a situation. "I'm young and I have the power of Hell at my disposal. Might as well live it up, YOLO!" says Faust. 

Then they fly around for a bit and Mephisto is like "Hey, aren't these special effects really great? And these sets are amazing. We're way ahead of our time!" 

So then what does Faust do? Goes out to find some more hoes of course. Faust immediately goes for a young, innocent virgin girl and tells Mephisto to make her his. But even Mephisto, the evil demon that he is, is like "Yo, son, chill out. There's plenty of other bitches around here whose lives already suck that you can get with."

But, Faust wants that young, tight pussy. "Damn, nigga," Faust tells Mephisto, "It's like Biggie Smalls said, 'I like 'em young, fresh and clean, with no hair in between. Know what I mean?'"

So Mephisto uses his devil magic to get the virgin girl to fall in love with Faust, because, ya know, who needs honest, pure, true love? 

Oh, yeah, and then Mephisto gropes some old lady and mixes her a drink that makes her shit her pants or fart or something. Then Mephisto proceeds to go and cock block Faust and Faust is all like "Shit, nigga."

So while Faust is getting it on with that girl, Mephisto kills her mother and then goes to the girl's brother and tells him that his sister is a whore...and then Mephisto kills him too. 

As the brother lies there dying, his siter by his side, he calls his sister a wanton, which I'm guessing is a derivative word coming from the chinese food Wonton dumplings (in the olden days nobody liked Asians so they would use their food as insults). 

The entire town hates the girl now and thinks she's a slut. She goes insane for a brief moment when she thinks that her mother is a chair. 

Now, thanks to Faust, the girl has no family and is homeless. Well, actually Faust got her pregnant (they didn't have condoms back then, and I guess she wasn't on the pill) so both her and her newborn baby get to live on the freezing cold streets. None of the villagers will help her or even her dying baby, because, you know, stupid whores and their stupid babies deserve it, right? At this point the girl, Gretchen (that's her name by the way, I just remembered), is pretty mentally unstable. She hallucinates that there is a baby's crib but it's actually just snow and she ends up killing her baby. 

When the villagers find that she killed her baby they get all pissed off (because apparently they actually cared about the baby's well-being) and burn her at the stake as punishment. But Faust comes and rescues her, right? Nah. Mephisto turned Faust back into an old man and by the time he got there she was already on fire. 

But, nonetheless, old man Faust throws himself in the fire with her, and if we'd of been able to hear Gretchen over her burning flesh then I'm sure she probably said something along the lines of "LOL WUT?"

So, somehow she realizes that the old man is actually Faust, but keep in mind she was mentally unstable so who knows if it was actually even Faust. And even though Faust killed her entire family, ruined her life, and got her killed, she still loves him and they kiss as they burn to death. 

So you'd think that now Faust's soul will go to hell, because he made that whole deal with the devil, right? Well, not quite. As convenient plot-device angel explains: There is only one word that can break the pact and that word is LOVE (even if it's manipulated and insincere love that was achieved by the use of evil demon magic). Unfortunately, Mephisto couldn't afford a lawyer because I'm sure that whole LOVE bullshit would have never held up in court. 

So Gretchen and Faust get to go to heaven and I guess Gretchen will stay under the evil love spell forever and always love Faust no matter what! And Faust doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions! YAY!

And that's pretty much it. THE END. 

Things I learned from watching Faust:
1. Religious things, e.g., holy statues or crosses, force Mephisto to make funny faces.
2. Don't ever trust free trials on the internet.
3. Pussy > Soul. 
4. If the Devil wants to give you devil powers in trade for your soul, make the deal because you can fuck all the bitches and then just use the devil powers to force some girl to fall in love with you and then go to heaven because the power of love always triumphs.

+Very awesome sets and atmosphere. Truly stunning. 
+Great actors
+Fantastic directing and cinematography from F.W. Murnau and Carl Hoffmann
+Ahead of its time special effects that still look awesome to this day
+Awesome and creepy introduction of the Mephisto character
-Stupid, illogical story. I was never a fan of the Faust story but this isn't even a good adaptation. 
-Typical religious themes that don't fit into my philosophy or set of morals, therefore rendering it less entertaining, just as a religious man would find less satisfaction in a film that denounces religion. 
-Bad and unbelievable characters, bad character development, bad character continuity
-Has virtually nothing going for it besides its visuals. 

Purchase a mediocre, overrated movie on Amazon!: DVD - VHS

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