About

[For regard on review format and all things involving the review and rating process, see here.]

My name is Everett and one night many years ago I was visited by an alien spacecraft. I cannot remember much from this experience, but I am sure that it had happened. I vaguely recall the craft's interior: lots of flashing lights, many gauges and switches. Stuff beyond human comprehension.

Now the aliens themselves never came into direct contact with me. Whether they were even on that ship I can't say for certain. They communicated with me through some sort of speakers throughout the craft, it was all very formal. They told me that my eyes could not handle their appearance. I didn't argue. That's all I can remember from the first trip. After that I awoke and the ship was still. We had landed.

I left the ship, guided by the alien's voices. I was on a new planet, one not even vaguely familiar. On the surface the alien voices from the ship faded and I was greeted by a humanoid robot. The alien voices resumed through the robot. They must have rendered me unconscious or something because I can't remember anything that came immediately after that.

When I awoke again, for yet another time, I was in a dark underground dungeon. Catacombs one may call them. Very odd inscriptions and patterns dressed the catacomb walls, almost putting me in a trance. It was almost gothic in a way. The robot, which must have taken me here, was right by my side. The aliens spoke through the robot again, saying that here in these catacombs is where they keep the records of all the information they have on humans.

It must have been quite a monstrous catacomb, one which would take hours, days even, to navigate. Where I was there contained the files for all the films of planet Earth. Every single film ever produced by humans was there, in some super-computer. Beside the computer was thousands of scrolls, all piled atop each other.

The aliens told me that those scrolls were each a written review for every single Earth film. From The Toxic Avenger to The Godfather, they were all present. Thousands, stacked in a pyramid of scrolls. The aliens explained to me that in their studies of humans they found films to be very informative, and, as record, wrote down reviews of each one.

The reason they brought me there was so I can translate the scrolls from their language into Earthly languages. The robot inserted some type of chip in me and it allowed me to understand this alien language, but never be able to speak it. They find Earthly languages quite tedious and rather not be bothered to translate them themselves.

So I sat in those cosmic catacombs translating every review, taking those alien words and re-writing them to languages of Earth. This is where this blog comes in. The aliens want us to know the truth about the films we make, the opinion of a superior being. They want us to get smarter, want us to improve. Why? I cannot say.

I have long periods that I forget. I often awake back in my home on Earth, as if nothing ever happened. Other days I wake up and I am in the catacombs on that foreign planet, with nothing to do but post reviews. I cannot know where I will awake tomorrow morning, whether it be in my bed or in a cosmic catacomb.

But it is here, on this blog, that I will share with the world these alien reviews. Not in my words, but in the words of a alien species.
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